Dear President Trump,

This is to let you know that I have been earnestly following your directive regarding mentally disturbed people. In response to your recent tweet, I have reported “such instances [of mental disturbance] to authorities again and again.”

Here is a list of my efforts so far:

2/15—called police about a man who followed me too closely on I-40 then gave me the finger as he passed. White male, youngish, driving a Toyota. Here is his license number: [redacted].

2/15—called police about man behind me in the Ingles check-out line. While the cashier sent another employee for a price check on my cilantro, the man cursed over having to wait to buy a case of beer. He appeared to be about thirty years old, had sandy blond hair, stood about five feet eight, and wore a camouflaged jacket. I could identify him in a lineup.

2/16—called police about my neighbor, who I’m sure is a homosexual. His name is Martin. He lives at [redacted]. They’re mentally disturbed too, according to my pastor. He could be dangerous. Not my pastor, but the homosexual.

2/16—called police about my roommate’s boyfriend, Josh. (I don’t know his last name.) Last night he kicked her dog and cursed, a sign I’ve read that predicts more violent behavior. Josh has dark hair, is about six feet tall, and drives a black Corvette.

2/17—called police about my co-worker deliberately dropping a heavy box on my hand. I now have a splint on my middle finger. He’s named Tim. (I don’t know his last name either.) He has a long scar on his left cheek and wears his brown hair in a crew-cut. I think he’s on drugs.

2/17—called police when I heard the man next door call his wife a f-ing bitch. He yells at her a lot, and I once saw that she had a black eye. He lives at [redacted].

2/17—called police about my roommate’s boyfriend again. He’s got a gun. I’ve seen it.

2/18—called police about my father’s mental instability. He’s been depressed since losing his job and spends his days watching FOX News.

So you see, Mr. President, I’m doing my part to prevent another mass shooting. Thank you for your thoughtful advice.

 Nancy

P.S. Did I mention that all of these men are white?

Nancy Werking Poling is author of Before It Was Legal: a black-white marriage (1945-1987); Had Eve come First and Jonah Been a Woman; and Out of the Pumpkin Shell.